Off to the mall!! DAY 38
Aug 15, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODmxuc6Oup8

[Music]
good morning you guys and welcome to
Tuesday right is it Tuesday oh gosh now
I don't even know Tuesday or Wednesday
my days are all so into each other I
swear anyways welcome to another day we
are off to Woodburn we're gonna go to
the outlet mall and go get a few things
for the kids because they are in need of
a few outfits so we love going to the
LMO because we always have coupons which
is always an amazing thing and hopefully
the kids will sleep on the way because
obviously I have one grumpy son in the
backseat that doesn't want to take it
nap doesn't want to do anything just cry
anyways I hope you guys are having a
wonderful day I'll check in here soon
okay so we just got done in the mall I
didn't record because my back's are
really hurting me and I was just like
yeah we need to get out of here it was
so crowded it is so hot it is 86 right
now and but because we are under it like
a smoke advisory the smoke is holding
the heat and even more so it feels like
a blanket on top of the heat it's so hot
though that I'm just like yeah I want to
go back home to my air conditioned house
and hover out for the day but anyways so
we did get as the kids all a cute outfit
I'm so excited I'll show you guys when
we get home and then we are gonna go
really quick to the Nike outlet to get
Jeremiah some sandals and then I think
we're gonna head home after that so I'll
have to show you everything once we get
out of here anyways I hope you guys are
having a good day my kids are being
cranky as usual they don't like the car
we're going to Nike honey we're going to
Nike
[Music]
this is called repeat the game so this
is where she repeats herself a million
times and gets the same answer every
time and she'll continue to keep asking
because she goes is annoying me anyways
I'll show you guys around the mall start
here they've got like tons of the outlet
malls and of course you know it's good
to come here if you're gonna go like
shopping at like Nike and sup cuz of
course is the outlet so you're gonna get
a lot more deals cheaper because it's
outlet anyways and then it goes clear
out I'll show you guys more of the
stores when we're pulling out but we're
gonna run into it well actually Ali's
gonna run into Mikey with Jeremiah and
go get his sandals I'm gonna stay in the
car with the kiddos you know so here's
more of the mall yes
it's really busy today because of
back-to-school and like if you look
all the stores go back I'll show you all
the stores go back all the way down to
the very very back and then their stores
all the way in the very back - it's a
nice I love this place but it just gets
so busy
anyways and then there's just it's tons
more but I just want to show you guys a
little bit so you guys couldn't kind of
see where we're at today who do you mean
everybody so just myself yeah
Oh today has just been one of those off
days not really particularly for me but
for my kids I think you know we're
getting to the end of summer and even
though that the babies obviously aren't
going to school and when I say babies I
mean Omar Ness or because they're the
baby so the family and so I just kind of
throw them both into the same bracket
and they're just the babies it's much
easier when you know like close friends
and stuff we'll be talking about him and
they'll say well what are the babies up
to it's just okay I know they're talking
about one more nestra and then they'll
be like well what's my I've been into
and so yeah that's what I'm talking
about when I say the babies but anyways
even though the babies aren't going to
be going to school um I think that
Jeremiah has been home for enough time
that he's not only just getting sick and
tired of being home with the kids um but
I think the babies have had enough with
their older brother home so needless to
say I think we're all anticipating this
end of summer beginning of school season
especially mom know me I think I can't
wait um and so today it was just one of
those days where Omar was having a
grumpy day yesterday in the day before
and then today he was still having a
little bit of a rough day but then Ezra
started in on her little grumpiness and
Maya's been so we here's a little
backlog story his birthdays in April
and we bought him a ps4 when we bought
him his ps4 we had a 65 inch TV and it
was a smart TV it had nice plug ins and
all the sorts of gadgets and stuff in
the back well when we came home that
night from Jeremy's birthday party
lovely Omar decided to take a car and
chuck it into the TV and there went our
brand-new TV that we had just bought a
couple months prior we won't even go
into that one that was that was a sad
moment things are replaceable so you
know he was talked to about throwing
items in the house and stuff but of
course you know at first I had people
well didn't you spank him did he get in
trouble and it's like no he didn't get
spanked first of all we don't believe in
spanking we have never spanked our kids
that just isn't part of our choice and
method of punishment we you know we
talked to the children they have
timeouts of course but to for us it
really affects me because of my
childhood and things that were happy you
know that happened to me as punishment
but physical abuse
I cannot even foresee myself spanking my
children because it literally flashes me
back to those times when I was literally
beat and so it just isn't something that
we even go there and and we talked about
that before we even had children
together was you know this is how
because I was already raising Jeremiah
that way that you know I never spanked
him you know if he had a timeout it was
you know he knew there was his special
chair that he would sit in
if it was really naughty you know then
he would have to sit on his bed but I do
not do corners I think that that is I
fill in my heart when a child is put in
timeout in the corner I feel like that
is a shaming way and some people will
you know some people may agree with me
and some people won't I'm not saying
that other people's parenting choices
are wrong have you punished with
spankings or putting in corners or
yelling or whatever it is like everybody
has their own parenting style and I
completely 100% respect that but also I
have my parenting style and so with that
you know I don't believe in putting
children in the corner because that is
one way of you know making making them
be the show and I don't feel that their
punishment needs to be a shaming thing
it is something to redirect them and
teach them that hey what you did and
what your you know your actions weren't
okay and you're gonna get a consequence
but that consequence can be something
different rather it be something well
we're gonna put you in the corner and
we're going to shame you by everybody
seeing you and I'm sure making little
stories and snide marks and and it's
just it's not okay so I don't douche
corners we do you know you might sit on
the couch for a little bit just to calm
down if it's very naughty then you go
and sit in your room on the bed and with
the babies we say rabbi edik which is
they know that if they do something
naughty they have to sit on the couch
and they put their hands like this and
they sit there until their time is up
and usually I you know a lot of times
they say to do punishment for the age
the child is I don't 100% go by that
because I don't feel that every
situation a kareem needs to have a time
limit it's more or less when I feel that
they have recom down came it back into
reality and ready to face what happened
you know they're learning right now when
they do something that hurts somebody
you know I take them to the person and
we say we're sorry and that you know we
love them and you know we tell them to
give them a bow so which means you give
them a kiss on you know the cheek or you
know well the babies they give each
other kisses wherever they did a boo-boo
and so it's just really you know to me I
feel like a punishment should be a
teaching time rather than a shaming time
or making the child fill completely
demean down to the lowest ground level
that they could possibly be I don't know
why I went off on to us okay and I did I
guess anyways so we were yeah oh talking
about the TV yeah that's kind of where
we left 15 minutes ago
um so Omar had thrown a car into the TV
and it bashed the it like shot out the
TV like it was just like it was not
gonna work
and he felt so bad and I remember I
wasn't even in the room I was actually
taking a shower so when I came in he was
hiding like literally hiding and I felt
so bad because you can see in his face
in his eyes that he knew he did
something that he shouldn't do and you
can see how sorry he really was and so
we use that time to talk to him and you
know tell him like see what happened and
this is an owie on the TV you know the
TV now it has to go bye-bye because it
just isn't gonna be fixed so with that
we had to take our little 35 inch screen
TV now remind you the
was a 65-inch routine down to 35 inch
and that is what we have been using
because I refuse to go get another TV
right now
I just told Ollie I'm like I am not at a
point where I want to make it a big
purchase we we did not get a warranty
with it so there was nothing we can do
I mean it was broken it was broken and
it was garbage so our money went on the
drink and it was like one of those
brand-new curved TVs if you can only see
the money signs that I'm seeing I'm just
like that but it's okay you know what
things can't replace when the time comes
so because of that with having only the
thirty five seven inch screen TV TV
Jeremiah also has a thirty five inch TV
in his room that we have his the kids as
Netflix account set up so that they can
go in there and watch like Chuggington
and Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse and
that's like when they're just in there
and they want to just have some downtime
sometimes you know all kind of split up
the little ones so that they kind of get
a break from each other cuz sometimes
they just both get under each other's
skin and that's a nice way to be like
okay well let's go and you know watch a
cartoon and you can play in the room for
a little bit with Maya and mommy will
keep you know whoever out in the living
room and that way you guys have a break
and so that's really worked well having
one TV in there and then I took my
bedroom TV put it in the living room but
with that Jeremiah has not been able to
hook up his ps4 so we have been trying
to figure out how to do this without
having to buy a TV and all he looked at
it last night he was like honey there's
just no way like there is no way there's
two plugs taking up both plug outlets so
there's no room for it so we're gonna
have to buy another TV but we all have
to just wait for a bit and I felt really
bad because I mean Jeremiah has been
patiently waiting for let's talk about
this ps4 up and so Jeremiah asked me
today he was like mom can I just look at
the TV for a little bit and I was like
yeah go ahead you know and when Jeremiah
when Jeremiah puts his mind to something
he is so his IQ is so smart he can
figure out things that I could never
imagine Lee try and figure out myself
so he went in he was figuring things out
and he's like mom so why he goes look at
this cord and I'm like okay and he's
like it's not hooked to anything I'm
like okay and he goes but it was hooked
to the back of the TV and I'm like oh
okay
and so he said but that would really
that would give up one of the plug in so
I can plug my ps4 so he figured it out
and he got his ps4 to hook up
so with had he's been wanting to watch
their play his ps4 all day and I get it
you know I mean he's been waiting for so
many months to play like now he's just
like you ain't gonna be taking this away
from me so he's been wanting to play the
ps4 the babies have just been cranky and
then as I showed you guys today earlier
at the mall it is so so so so smoky here
like literally you walk out and you feel
like you're just in this the you're in
the brush fire like that's how it is and
then on top of it it was like close to
90 degrees it was hot and literally I
guess they said on the news today that
because I sometimes watch the news to
get to the weather
that's what I did tonight because I
wanted to know where the smoke was
coming from and come to find out it's
coming from Washington but anyways they
were seeing on the news that it
literally should have been up in the 90s
but because of the smoke it was holding
the Sun from hitting on us and making it
hotter but it still was hot and then
when you've got the smoke and Omar was
complaining which he didn't I didn't
even say anything about the smoke and he
was complaining that he had a really bad
headache and I thought oh okay so I have
a funny feeling that the smoke had
gotten to him and so I think that that's
why he has been just a little bit on the
grumpier side and just the not feeling
100% side so I came home and gave him
some Tylenol and then I cleaned up the
the room in here
and what else did I do I think that was
it
I talked to my friend for a little bit
and then Ollie made dinner which was
really good I had a grilled chicken yeah
a grilled chicken salad and then he put
avocado on it which I've never had
avocados on my salad I don't know why
but it was good so I had that and then
as her and I lay down I like four and we
were no no no no probably more like 5:30
and we didn't wake up until 7:00
whoopsie so I'm hoping she'll go to
sleep I hate but it was I mean all in
all it was a good day but it was just I
think the smoke was really really really
getting to my kids not so much me last
year
no the the summer that I was pregnant
with Omar was a really bad wildfire
season and I literally could not leave
the house for almost two months because
the air quality was so bad like it's
really bad here they bumped up to it's
really bad they're pretty much telling
people to stay inside because the air
quality is not good but during that time
when I was pregnant I was literally
locked in my house for two months
because I was pregnant
I couldn't take the chances of you know
going out there and breathing that and
being pregnant I mean I am very very
self-conscious when especially when I'm
pregnant it's nothing's nothing is worth
you know putting yourself in any type of
position that you can do something to
the baby and so I remember that year I
was stuck in the house and I was just
like oh my god like they've got to get
these fighters home because I am going
stir-crazy I can't even go for a drive I
can't do anything and when I would go
out to go to the doctors I had to wear
like a doctor's mask because they didn't
want me breathing not in I'm just like
but that's just as bad as it is now I'm
pregnant but um it stills affecting my
kids sorry
um my little visitor had to make her
entrance but anyway so I was gonna show
you guys what I got to firm those door
that's so excited well we got home and I
had a an Amazon package and all he's
like what did you order and I'm like I
didn't order her anything I don't know I
said the only thing that I ordered was
my um my bracelet and so I thought well
it's pretty light I wonder if they like
axillary sent me another bracelet and
then I was really thinking I think you
won't gosh maybe that he really did but
no they did not
I forgot to order this and it came in
the mail yeah if y'all don't know what
this is this is a called a bean bazoo
lead boozled I know I'm butchering that
name 100% jelly beans fourth edition
two new flavors so yeah okay these jelly
beans may look alike but they could not
taste more different from each other
think you can tell them apart we dare
you so what a lot of people do is they
do like challenging challenges with each
other and by the end if you get whatever
it is the challenge wrong you have to do
a jelly bean and you can't you don't
know what's gonna pop out of this you
don't have a choice and the flavors are
at spilled milk coconut rotten egg
buttered popcorn
barf peach
booger juicy pear stinky stinky socks
tutti frutti dead fish strawberry banana
smoothie toothpaste berry blue canned
dog food chocolate pudding moldy cheese
hold on caramel corn long clip lawn
clippings lime you're gonna see that or
it's gonna be all so they all have their
certain colors and then in those colors
you don't know which one you're gonna
get that's the flavor so anyways I did
this because I had an idea that I am
going to well I had an idea that I was
going to videotape me and Ollie doing a
a question near together like a quiz and
whoever got the wrong answers well they
would have to do a bean but my husband
is like I'm not doing that I'm not tasty
dog food I'm not I'm not doing that like
yes you are
for our friends you are for the
entertainment he's like I'm not doing it
so I'm trying with all with all my might
you guys okay to make him do it but I
haven't gotten him on board yet but you
guys gotta put in your comments come on
Ollie do the challenge come on we want
to see it pump him up so he'll do it
because I want to do it it looks like
I'm gonna be fun yeah so that's booking
from Amazon and he doesn't know he knows
I he knows I told him I ordered it but I
think he forgot so he doesn't know what
was in the Amazon box because I brought
it into my room to open it and I haven't
told him it's here yet
so he ain't looking forward to throw it
away and I'm gonna hide it totally give
him to do it anyways and then I want to
show you so earlier I told you we went
to this
all to get the kids an outfit each so on
the 22nd of August okay
on the 22nd of August is our ID and that
is a celebration in Islam and so we
celebrate and one of the celebrations
that we do is you buy your children an
outfit and then you can get them a gift
as well so we had we went to the wood
burn outlet mall because that's where
they have like really good choices of
different clothing and I usually 9 out
of 10 I would I always buy about my kids
Carter's and Jeremiah is now well
actually Carter's just announced that
they are actually gonna start carrying
size 14 which is what what is what my
aware is now but he was switching to
Oshkosh because they carry his size and
they have really cute clothes so today
okay hold on so today we went to the
mall and I walked again yes I did
thought I was gonna die because the heat
because it's like the mall is like an
outside well you guys seen it so you
don't have to walk outside to get to the
stores okay can you wait just a second
get on mommy's bed here you could play
with this you want to play with that no
okay okay get on mom's bed first okay um
anyways so you do have to walk outside
to get to each of the stores so every
time I walked out I was just like boo
boo it didn't help that Carter's I I
don't think that store ever has believed
in air-conditioned so when you walk in
it's just like holy cow what are you
trying to do here is what is allowed so
we went into the store I sent Ollie with
Jeremiah and Omar to Oshkosh because I
was like okay if I do that didn't I get
a few minutes breaks I'll take SR with
me and we'll do our woman shop
our girly-girl shopping so i'll show you
guys what we got I was so excited so
when we very first walked in hold on
just a second okay
I know you're so excited over your
clothes so we walked in and the first
thing is her pulled up was this one
shirt and I was just like okay I mean it
wasn't bad but you know yeah yeah yeah
she's so excited over her clothes she is
gonna be a little shopper I am afraid
when she becomes a teenager she's got a
heart of her mother's anyways yeah yeah
okay let me let me share with them first
okay okay hold on can you go get all
mommy's bed piece those are pretty yes
okay go sit down
okay go sit down and you can see
yourself in the camera go here do you
want to play with these okay
mama we'll give them to you in just a
second okay okay let's do this right
before she starts wigging out so when we
walked in I had seen one outfit and I
just so here's the shirt hoping that
that light is it pulling the colors but
it's just like all sort of create the
future and then here you can hold your
shirt and then I got these pants to go
with it I was oh my gosh and I went
ahead and I got size 5 T she's in 40
right now
but well we're not gonna put him on
they'll remember yeah we're not gonna
put them on right now okay um so I got
her 5t because she's in 40 now and I
want her to be able to wear this stuff
in a winter a little bit so I did go
ahead and get a little bit of a bigger
size on these but then she's seen a
little mannequin sitting there in an
outfit and she was like mommy pretty mom
be pretty so I look back and I was like
yeah that is pretty baby and she was
like mommy me mommy means she's trying
to tell me she wants it and I was like
oh we're only getting one outfit and so
I was standing there I was like
contemplating I'm like which one do I
want to get and she was just like so she
pulls up the other one I had to get both
yes
mommy's a sucker I'll admit it she
picked this outfit out herself you guys
look at what she picked out so here's
the little skirt and then I love love
love love this it has a built-in pair of
shorts I love well she'll always have
shorts under her skirts until she's
older just because that's I feel more
comfortable with that and then here's
the shirt she picked out it goes with
the skirt and so it's this pink pinkish
light pink color and then the skirt
isn't thank you did she take that out a
little two-year-old picked that out I
was like she's got some good taste you
want to go shopping with mom and you
pick on Michaels so that was what we got
for esfera yeah okay so that's what we
got for estra and then Omar I went ahead
and got him this shirt small-fry so cute
and then because the letters are blue I
got him a blue pair of just shorts
but in the mix of that my back started
hurting because on the shelves where you
have to get his clothes they would put
his clothes at the very very bottom
shelf so I had to be hunched over
weighed down at the very bottom and they
put his pants in the very back because
he was the bigger size oh let me tell
you my back was on fire but yeah but I
just can't push you through because I
just like no Amy come on come on come on
you could do this oh but I could not
wait to get out of there so I got this
outfit for him well when we got into the
car and I was showing Ollie what I got
for Omar and Ezra I don't know how it
happened but I ended up grabbing another
pair but these ones are black same size
as the blue one so they'll fit him but I
just I was like whoops don't know how
that happened but I think it was just
because I started kind of panicking a
lily cuz my back was starting to hurt
and I had estra and I'm thinking oh god
what if she like starts taking off on me
or something we're going to be screwed I
can't use her but it all worked out
honey those are pretty close huh you go
sit down and take the stickers off that
will keep you busy okay that's right
here you're so meaty okay I need you to
go sit down yes I need you to go sit
down please and I will talk to you in
just a few minutes and then for Maya he
picked up his own clothes I guess Olli
that's because he took my into oshkosh
so he told my he said you go pick out
your own clothes and I'll be here to pay
for it so Maya went on a little shopping
spree of his own and he picked up this
shirt Rockley leave it to my child no
child that will not touch vegetables and
then he picked out peace
so they're like kind of longer shorts
and actually these ones are on so cuz
they were s run honey okay but you need
to stop these ones were $24 on clearance
you guys on clearance for $6.99 my
ten-year-old knows how to shop I died
when he was like mom guess what I said
what he goes I got some clothes I said
you did he goes yeah and they were on
Clarence I was like okay son I'm so
happy that you were so excited for your
clearance items oh my kids I swear I'm
in them somewhere and then on our way
out I got the shoes which he did it okay
where's my issues that is wrong and then
as I was saying earlier today that we
went to Nike to look for some sandals
for Jeremiah well Ollie went ahead and
while he was there he was like well I
just went ahead and picked up his school
clothes because his school shoes that
will knock one thing out that we have to
do still because we still need to get
his shoe school school shoes anyways
along with his sandals so again he went
ahead you told me he said you know what
you go pick out your shoes I'll be here
when you want to pay for him because the
thing is is if we pick out my issues 9
out of 10 he doesn't like them and he
won't tell us I don't like them because
he's just one of those that doesn't want
to like I guess hurt our feelings
because you know he sees that we like
the style so he'll just accept it but
then I'm reality I can see he's not
enjoying the shoe so Hollywood ahead and
just let him pick him out and I was like
he's that's fine like you get yourself
huh um he knows what he wants so I mean
he's old enough
so he went ahead and he picked up these
which I thought was really nice the
front says airmax in Freight so heck
yeah I was all excited for those so we I
mean we got some stuff and I felt really
confident comfortable with allowing both
of the kids I mean Omar I of course I
chose his clothes because he wasn't with
me
and Omar could care less what we get him
but with Maya getting older it's of
course it's more adamant that he's gonna
be picking out his own clothes he's got
his own style and as for on the other
hand she's just I think she's just gonna
be a shopper so and then what else oh I
came home and so I've been keeping my
necklaces honey I don't know where yours
as is that sweetie it might be out in
the living room yeah okay mommy's on the
on the video so you need to stop okay
anyways so info guys around so I just
show you something so I've been keeping
my necklaces on this thing and they were
just they were getting tangled up and it
was just becoming an issue yes oh god my
mirror looks nasty in this thing so I
went ahead and I had some hanging there
but I was just like what am I gonna do
because there's just I'm certain get way
too many necklaces so my husband when he
hung all of them up over there wasn't
that sweet of him I was so excited I was
like thank you dear so now I have all my
necklaces all put together and not gonna
be getting tangled up so that was nice I
was really excited when he showed me
that he did that I was just like that
will make life so much easier for me
because I literally every time I wanted
to get a necklace I was happening to on
take a little loud and this way they're
all nicely you know displayed up there I
can pick out which one's gonna go with
my outfit for the
and be excited so the only other things
that garbage put that most garbage um
the only thing that I want to work on
getting more organized is like my rings
and that stuff in my garbage right there
baby but I want to show you guys a ring
I got yesterday I I I thought I
cancelled the he the shipment on it but
yeah song cuz I showed up in the mill
yesterday so it's like okay um it is so
pretty look at this look at that isn't
that pretty I told you I wear fake
diamonds I mean I have a real I have my
real diamonds and they're locked away in
a safe but I just haven't gotten my
fingers haven't gotten yet to the size
to where my actual wedding ring so I've
been just kind of just stopped wearing
whatever I can until my fingers get down
to a size that it's more comfortable but
the problem with this one is yesterday
when I got it yeah it's whale I mean it
just it weighs light off but I was like
well I could do this so this again is my
normal wedding band so I thought I could
just like tap it together like that and
that would be really pretty for another
you know like ring but so far I've been
still stuck wearing I like I love this
ring I just I don't know what it is
about this ring but I am just in love
with this ring and for the long time it
just sat in all my stuff I never even
touched it but I would like to get my
rings more organized so that way I can
see em all and I have a really pretty
jewelry box in my back closet but
I don't know why I just never bring it
out go figure
uh but anyways so the only things that I
want to get organized is like my
bracelets and my rings that would be
nice to get my rings done so that way
then I have those to wear and be able to
see them and get sizes that I can wear
because clearly most of my reach that I
you have been buying are all anywhere
from 11 and 12 because that's how big my
finger was and now I'm down to like
probably down to probably a ten and a
half and so of course my fingers are
just not they're not fitting the Rings
as well as I want but it's okay it's
gonna work eventually eventually I will
get down to my real wedding ring size
and then that's when my real ring starts
coming back but other than that
today's just been one of those days as
you can hear this is what she has done
all day long she's been clinging to me
she's just I don't know she just hasn't
been feeling very good but did you bring
your Zaza in with you
yeah well if you brought your Zaza in
with you then it's got to be here
somewhere so you need to go and look for
it
could it I'm sorry you guys I'm really
sorry she's just her but anyways yeah
that's what we did today we didn't do a
whole lot
um I did you know like I said I did walk
around them but not let me rephrase that
I did not walk around them all I walk
from the car to Carter's which I mean
it's not a long distance but it's a
distance and then I walked all inside
the store got the clothes stood in line
paid for the poles and then got out to
the car cuz I was just like I I can't
continue to walk when my back was just
killing me and I think I can probably
pinpoint that too because of Costco
yesterday and that's okay I mean I'm
okay being uncomfortable though because
I know that
being uncomfortable is definitely just
amping up my muscle intake so hold on
just a second I wish you don't come back
in but I know that it is in time it's
gonna build my muscles so I'm just
continuing every day to do something I
just don't want to sit because they know
that just sitting is allowing my back
and C be right before I really started
be like becoming I guess you could say
chair bound in a lot of ways I was
having a lot of testing done on my back
because my back was really hurting me
and the doctor you know said that they
had seen in the MRI that I had oh my
gosh what is the word
where the muscle in the bone are
deteriorating so my lower part of my
back is actually deteriorating and
that's due to not moving enough and so
he said you can stop that from
progressing but damage is there so now I
have to work upon that damage to try and
build that muscle as strong as I can to
get back to possibly being able to not
be in pain when I do walk and so when he
told me that though I used that as a
crutch and I sat in my chair and I said
my back's deteriorating what am I gonna
do I can't do anything I'm just gonna
sit here then I started looking into
motor scooters to buy to actually
purchase so how we can put it on in our
car and I could have it when we go to
the stores and you know I have the
excuse of when we go to the park I want
to be able to go with the kids so I can
be in a motor scooter and thank God that
something shook me and woke me up which
was my heart stuff to be like no what
are you doing like seriously dude like
why would you even go to that measure
like why not saying gosh please please
please do not think that I am knocking
people that are in motor scooters I know
that they're there for people that do
need them and there are diseases that
people can't control and they have to
have those but for me I didn't need it I
was gonna use it as a crutch to be lazy
and not continuing just kind of I was
just giving up on myself like literally
I was giving up on myself and it was
such a sad moment to come home and sell
Holly
why I wanted a motor scooter and when I
say I had to sell him that I had to come
up with all of the pricing where we can
get it why I needed it what benefits it
was gonna give me on and on and on and I
had to lay that all out for him so he
would understand what I was coming from
and by the end I know in his heart he
didn't buy it like he literally didn't
buy it but he also wasn't gonna be like
well no because I want my wife to be
uncomfortable but I think that there was
almost a point of sadness like I see my
wife just giving up where is this really
gonna take us in our lives because now
my wife literally
is throwing the towel in and that's what
I was doing like I hit a wall where I
was just done I didn't care anymore
I basically was living to die like I
that's where I got right before I
started losing weight I got to the point
where it was just like I'm gonna live
this life to the best that I can and
enjoy while I can but I'm I'm done like
I'm just living until I die and then I
don't have to deal with this anymore
and then when the whole heart issue
happened and they had found abnormal
ease in my heart and I had to go into
the surgery and do all of that that was
the wake-up call that I think I needed
to say holy crap I am 36 years old
laying on a bed having an angiogram of
my art because I'm living to die like
how fair is that for my family or myself
and so I just it was
it was such a sad time for me but also
it was such a scary time for me because
I hit that wall of not wanting to go on
like I had no life in me to live a life
sitting on a chair the best way that I
could describe it was my family was on
one planet and I was on another I would
sit from afar I would sit on this planet
and see my family living life
living day-to-day
and I felt so lost I felt like a burden
I felt like
like I had no right to be there there's
people in this life that are fighting
for their lives that want to live so bad
but they have something wrong with them
that it's literally going to take their
life and they have no choice they have
no nothing they can't control that but
I'm sitting here I have all the control
in the world I can I can change
everything around and I can take my life
back and I can live a life rather than
living to die or
I ask God just to take my life and give
it to somebody that deserves to be there
because why why am i alive when I don't
care to be alive because they don't want
to take care of myself I just have given
up and so as I sat and watched my family
living their day-to-day life with that I
watched you know Olli taking care of the
family he bathed the kids he cleaned the
whole house he cooked all of our meals
he ran all the errands he was holding
his job I mean everything that man
carried everything for our family to
keep me comfortable
because I said I couldn't do it
and when this hard thing happened and I
knew anything could happen anything
could happen to me at that moment I was
okay I was having to worry about wear a
heart monitor I had you know the
angiogram I had there was just so much
going on the few months prior to
starting like my weight loss journey
part of my channel and something clicked
something seriously clicked and I
finally said my god what have I done to
myself I have been gone emotionally for
so long I have allowed myself to get to
where I'm at 490 pounds I can't tell you
if truly emotionally I was even aware of
that because every day I checked out I
didn't want to focus I didn't want to
even live in reality because it was too
painful emotionally because I felt like
a failure you know as as a little girl
and you could call me you could call me
old-fashioned if you well if you want
but
as a little girl or as a preteen I guess
you would say not really a little girl
the views on what I wanted to be when I
grow up I viewed that as the mother that
in the wife that took care of the home
I had my house cleaned very nicely and
decorated very nicely you know I would
cook dinners and mills for my children
and my husband you know and my husband
would go out and work I would be home
with the kids
bathing them and giving getting kids off
to school and taking care of the little
ones and when my husband would come home
from work you know the house would be
taking care of the kids would be clean
and happy or at least living but you
know I mean that's that's how that's how
I envision me being a wife and a mom and
when when I allowed my health to run my
life I wasn't living up to those
standards that I wanted for my life so I
felt like a failure I felt like I wasn't
doing what my dream was
I wanted to be the mother to my children
that I never had I wanted to be the wife
to my husband that I never seen and my
husband was there you know he was
everything that I have that anybody
would want in a husband my children were
there and they were everything that a
person would want in a child but the
mother wasn't there
the mother was so invested in allowing
her health to take her life that she
checked out emotionally so I was not
present
and once I became present when I had my
hard stuff and I seen everything for
what it was and as a colored picture I
realized oh my god like what have I done
and you know I came home that night and
I talked to ollie and I said you know
I'm so sorry and he's sorry for what I
said I am so sorry for being the person
I have been for the last amount of years
I am sorry for allowing myself to allow
my health to get so out of control that
I could not be present in this marriage
in this family for my children for
myself
I checked out 100% and for some reason
when I woke up from that heart surgery I
woke up emotionally and it was a scary
sight a very scary sight and it wasn't
more than a week later that I decided
that it wasn't even a week later that I
had decided it was a week from the time
that I miraculously I guess you want to
say it woke up and got everything in
mind my food in the house that need to
be there got all my stuff all my ducks
in a row and I started and I started
hard by changing my lifestyle and I was
like this is not a diet I'm not doing
this for temporary this is gonna happen
and I had somebody just the other day
that told me you know what Amy when you
told me that you're going on life
journey I just rolled my eyes
privately and was like oh here we go
again you know here is Amy she's gonna
do another diet and I'm waiting for her
to just fail once again because you know
we've done this cycle a few other times
and that's true I have done that cycle a
few other times but that's because
emotionally I
still checked out so even though I
desired that change and I wanted that
change
I was not emotionally there to accept
the responsibility and to make those
changes happen and now it's like wow I
see so different when I come home and I
see my home I see my home now as my home
I see my husband that works and he does
his job he does what he's supposed to do
my children I see them taking care of
bathed fed by who me me I've been the
one up feeding the babies and Jeremiah I
have been the one that has been bathing
the kids every single day I'm the one
that gets up and cleans this home and
makes sure that it is clean and my
husband will come to me and be like Amy
I am so shocked that literally I have
not touched the dishes touch the laundry
touch the bathroom I haven't cleaned
anything but everything's being done and
I'm like you're right because I'm here
now it might have been that I was
checked out before but I'm checked in
now and I ain't going nowhere and so
even like you know making that jump of
unrealistic thing that I thought would
never happen walking through Costco
yesterday that again proved to me that
I'm still here that I am I'm emotionally
available I am physically I'm working as
hard as I can to continue to grow in
this journey that I've chosen to take
for myself and today when we went to the
you know the mall it was hot
it's smoky it was very uncomfortable
position but you know what I still got
out of the car and I still did it
I still pushed myself because now
there's no more time of well I'll just
sit in the car and you know Esther was
in the backseat sleeping very easily I
could have said well Ollie just take the
boys get them their clothes pick an
outfit for espera it's fine you do fine
I'll stay in the car with us right but
that isn't what I did I said nope we are
waking her up and I'm going in with you
guys
there's no reason and that's what we did
it and it was great we went in as a
family did I walk around the entire
Whitman mall no I didn't did I get to
where I was planning to go and made the
efforts and enjoy the experience of
course I did and I was so proud to be
able to still say I accomplished what we
set out to do today and I did it I came
home and I rested I took a nap with Ezra
and now I'm you know I'm videoing for
you guys and then guess what I'm gonna
go do I'm gonna go and finish cleaning
up the rest of the kitchen because it
needs to be done and I'm not expecting
anybody to do it but myself and that is
a great feeling to know that I am being
able to accomplish so much so soon after
I've made my changes but again it takes
you to finally wake up you can't just
expect yourself to go on a life change
and for yourself to succeed if you're
not emotionally completely invested and
I hear so often I hear so often when I'm
watching other people and stuff on
YouTube
you know I hear well I need to take a
break you know from losing weight I need
to take a break from worrying about
dieting I need to take a break from all
of this and I sit and I am so sad to
hear that because if you were
emotionally awake and you emotionally
were aware there should be no you need
to take a break because you can't take a
break from life you can't step back and
say you know what I just don't want to
live for the next week you know you
can't do that because the minute you do
that you're checking out once again
emotionally and that's telling me when I
hear that that you still unfortunately
have not woken up 100
so you're not gonna be able to give you
a hundred percent all because you're not
emotionally completely or what awoken to
be able to do that a hundred percent and
I'm speaking that because that's what
happened to me many times just like I
said my friend I rolled my eyes because
here we go again and that's exactly what
I mean here we go again because Amy is
not emotionally awake but Amy wants to
try and Amy wants to change things and I
want to do those things but if I am NOT
emotionally ready for it then it's not
gonna I'm not gonna succeed and that's
sadly what I've been seeing on a few
people's Channel is that they want to
take breaks from losing weight they want
to take breaks from talking about losing
weight and it's like no it doesn't have
to be everything in your life about
losing weight everything isn't about me
losing weight my life is about
everything about my children about my
husband about our home you know about
the other things that I'm doing you know
but every day I wake up and know that I
am working so hard for a goal that I
want to reach and that's having a
hundred percent my life back I'm not
there just yet and I won't be there for
a while but you know what doesn't mean I
get to take a break because I'm just
tired of trying it's not about that it's
that to me tells me you're on a
temporary diet because diets you can
stop and do you know a life health
change you can't stop it because that's
life life doesn't just you can't hang up
your life for you know a week and say
well come back and revisit you in a week
know what life goes on so if you're not
doing a temporary diet then you can't
take a break
it's just you have to be emotionally
ready for it and that's kind of where
I'm at right now I was just realizing
that I was so checked out and now I'm so
emotionally invested that I did a
complete
180 because I wasn't here I really
wasn't here I was on a break and that's
where it got me to 490 pounds because I
was on a break
I hung myself up in the closet and I let
life pass by and I you can't do that you
you can't do that if you want to change
I hope the person that had that video up
is seeing this I hope that maybe my
message can reach her I wrote her and I
I didn't get a response which is fine I
noticed a lot of youtubers don't respond
back and that's okay I'm totally cool
with that but I respawn back to all of
you guys because that's very important
to me I feel like that's how we you know
that's how we build a relationship and a
friendship I see every one of you guys
as friends and this isn't just a this
isn't a job you know this isn't
something I have to do this is a hobby
and something that I'm passionate about
and that's why I love being involved
with you guys and come you know
communicating and commenting and
responding and you know doing everything
I can because that to me is how we build
ourselves and continue to build this
what we have this community continue to
build it and build our numbers to
continue to grow it and bring more
positive people towards it because I
would love to reach more people in
knowing that you know what I promote
which diets are not a promotion I I
don't agree and diets
I don't believe they work I have diet
pills sitting somewhere in my closets
it's the gardenia gardenia whatever was
I got it like almost a year ago it
expires in 2019 so I think it was a year
ago cuz I think it's good for two years
I'll be honest I try to only made it
like half of a bottle and it didn't do
anything
in fact I noticed that when I would take
it it would burn my throat so I was like
oh ha ha
and stuff but I've tried diets ain't
perfect but again diets aren't that mean
they're temporary you can stop him you
can start him when you stop him that's
what here - that's when you check out
and that's when you gave me everything
back so anyways I just you know I don't
know what got me talking about that but
it was just something that's been laying
on my heart and I just wanted to share
with you guys
also I wanted to apologize for my video
being put up so late today I don't know
what happened but when I went to go and
publish it I thought I hit
public and somehow belen allow my finger
hit private and so when I hit go it
didn't set it didn't send it it didn't
post it for you guys and I seen Jody had
mentioned that she was really worried
and I thought oh god what happened so I
was reading her message and I'm like
haven't seen a video in 24 hours so I
went back onto my videos and went into
de 37 I'm like oh my god it's said on
private so yeah that's what happened
there
I swear life happens but but no
everything's good I'm so sorry that that
went up probably late I think I'm gonna
start what I'm gonna do is every night
when I put s4 down for bed I'm going to
edit my videos have them all ready to go
upload it on to YouTube but then I'll
just private it until 10 o'clock that
next morning and then I will hit public
so you guys I'm really shooting towards
having my videos up and out at 10
o'clock Pacific time every day so that
way then it just will keep the regiment
going on better timing because I don't
know honestly I have no idea what
happened today with that I I could have
swore I hit public but I guess I kept
private and it stuck there so anywho
okay enough with my rambling I guess I
should probably go my kids are all in
their pajamas which means so I will talk
to you guys again tomorrow please take
care
and I hope you guys had a wonderful day
today if you guys are anywhere within
the proximities of smoke please take
care of yourselves stay inside if
possible and don't try and breathe it
because it's not the best stuff
especially if you've got asthma that's
not a good sign either but anywho I will
see you guys tomorrow take care bye
[Music]
